Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
