3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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