I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
