She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
