Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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