Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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