Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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