I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
