you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's shark week go big or go home
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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