I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
