Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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