wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
