she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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