how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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