How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
