do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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