I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
