: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
