What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
