Barsexuality is the new black.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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