I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
