I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
