Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
