note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
this hospital has no fireball
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
