I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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