i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
