it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
