First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
