So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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