bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
