he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
