My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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