my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
