I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
