smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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