If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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