he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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