why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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