did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
