I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
