So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
