When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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