Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
