god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
