Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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