this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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