Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
