My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
