Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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