You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
