i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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