could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
