Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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