my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
