Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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