sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
